“God is good.”

Anyone else struggle with that concept? I have sung those words, spoken those words to others, and doodled them in my journal. But do I really deep down to my core believe them?  That question came to a head recently. It was time to examine what I truly believed. The following is an excerpt from my journal in which I held an internal conversation with Jesus. Whether it was really Him or not doesn’t matter. What matters is the understanding I gained from this thought process.

“God is good.” Do I believe that?

Finally.

Lord, I don’t know. It seems you have let me down at times. Like you weren’t faithful or trustworthy to be there every time I needed you, which makes me feel you may not be there in the future when I need you.

Doubt, it’s an ugly thing. Rooted in misunderstanding, ignorance, lies.

So how do I change this? How do I believe the Bible when my heart tells me – reminds me – that you weren’t there all those years I cried out to you to heal me from the PMS, depression, and pain?

Lies.

When I was on my knees crying out to you with many tears begging for deliverance, where were you?

Right there by your side. You couldn’t perceive me because of your pain but I was there, holding you, catching your tears in my hand.

Why didn’t you heal me?

It wasn’t time yet. My heart ached right along with yours, but it wasn’t time. You weren’t ready.

Ready? Ready to be set free? Ho could I not be ready for relief?

You needed the pain to stay in touch with your emotions deep inside. Otherwise you would have buried them where they would fester.

Weren’t there already pains festering in there?

Remember –

    the ant bite,

   the pencil lead,

      the splinter that you didn’t get out?

Yes.

What happened?

My skin grew over them. The ant bite left a bump that never went away. The pencil lead left a discoloration that never went away. And the splinter became a painful bump under my skin that I had to dig out which was also painful. So I had pain, buried pain.

This new pain, month after month, year after year, had to tear open the old pain each time or you would have let it get buried, covered again. Covered with callousness. It wasn’t about the PMS hormones. It was the other pains you weren’t acknowledging, the pain that you couldn’t see that contributed to the pain you could see. If I had healed you, all that pain would have been as deep at that lead in your hand. So deep it would have required more than just digging it out like that splinter near the surface. You weren’t ready to face that original pain. So I had to keep that channel to it open. It hurt me to see you hurt.

Is anything here true or am I just inventing a reason for the pain? Lazarus dying was to show who Jesus was. Jesus cried with Mary and Martha but He still let Lazarus die. Was it painful for Lazarus – the dying process? It was for his sisters. Is that what happened? Lazarus endured pain and died. His sisters endured pain and cried. I endured pain, my family therefore endured pain. But they didn’t cry. They internalized it, got angry and resentful, tuned me out, blamed me – as if it were my fault. That would be like the sisters blaming their brother for dying. Or blaming a person for getting cancer. It wasn’t my fault. My behavior was, but my turmoil wasn’t. I was caught in a storm I didn’t know how to handle and because of that I hurt the ones I loved. I’m sorry for that. I’ve apologized to my family. I can do no more than that. I can’t live those years over again. I regret it but I can’t change it.

Rabbit trail. Back to feeling abandoned. Believing God treated me like everyone else did. That’s what this is about. My belief about God was based on what my family was like. It was not based on truth. If he had healed me of PMS, the lie would still be there. I would not be the person I am now. But my family was hurt. It wasn’t fair to them.

Hurt people hurt people. It’s a fallen world.

So what do I do now? How do I trust someone who does things I don’t understand? My prayers may or may not be answered based on your agenda. How did the first Christians believe in your goodness while they were fed to lions? So the question remains. Is God good? The Bible says He is. The times I’ve had experiences with him – when I experienced his presence – when I’ve touched him – I knew he was good. My spirit knows he is good. It’s my flesh that’s rebelling, disagreeing – because I didn’t get my way. Is that it in a nutshell? I didn’t get my way? I didn’t respect your sovereignty? “I love Jacob, Esau I hated.” “I will have mercy on whoever I want.” That doesn’t sound “good”. Maybe it’s my definition of good that’s at fault.

What is your definition of good? When the Bible says God is good, what does that mean to you? Leave me a comment or send a message. I want to know your thoughts.

Stay tuned for my conclusion, after I’ve had more thought and prayer time.

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Scriptures

Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?”

Psalm 56:8 You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

Romans 9:13-15 As it is written, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to count as lost, a time to keep and a time to discard,

7a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

John 11:33-36 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you put him?” He asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they answered. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how He loved him!”

Isaiah 49:14-16 But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, my LORD has forgotten me.” “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands, your walls are continually before me.