We’ve all heard them. Sweet, love filled promises from one person to another before saying “I do.”  Some are serious, others are humorous. Some are long, some are short. Some are read from papers in trembling fingers, others are recited from the heart. But they all have one thing in common: the person saying them truly believes what they are saying. And usually, so does the recipient.

The promises in wedding vows – to always be there, to support, to respect, love, and encourage each other, etc. – are not in themselves bad. It’s okay to say and pursue them, but when we put our hope and trust in them, it can create expectations that might not be sustainable. What happens when jobs are lost, spouses lie or cheat, life goals change and conflict with each other, and love grows cold? What happens to the marriage when these wonderful-sounding expectations aren’t met?

Another problem in many wedding vows is that they are self-focused. “I love you because you make me feel good.” I love you because you encourage me with I’m feeling down.” I love how your smile lights up my heart.” If a person goes into a marriage with the expectation that their spouse fills their needs, what happens when the spouse gets sick or depressed or busy or overwhelmed – and can no longer meet these needs?

Third, vows are usually easy to keep in the early years. Then children arrive. And jobs are lost. And illnesses rage. And interests change. And more children arrive. And temptations sneak in. The promises made in the beginning are forgotten in the stress of managing busy lives. What used to makes us smile about the other becomes buried under layers of disappointments, failures, and age-related physical and mental changes.  We trusted that our partner would make our lives better and be there when things were tough. But as the years go by, little by little, one small failure after another, resentment and accusations can slowly creep into our hearts – and often out of our mouths. “You promised to make me smile every day! Well, I’m not smiling now as you play golf leaving me to struggle with our bills.”

The high divorce rate in this country, even in Christian marriages, is evidence of broken promises and unfilled expectations.

So should we set up our marriages to fail from the beginning by making promises we can’t keep? There are many warnings in the Bible about keeping vows made to God, and I would think that vows made in the deliberate presence of God would carry a similar weight. So, should vows be eliminated from a wedding?

No, I don’t think so. But I do think they should be changed.

• Promises of what you will do in the future? You don’t know what the future holds.
• Reasons why you love the person you’re marrying? Those reasons may become moot as your spouse changes.
• Ways your feel loved by your future spouse? Those reasons may become buried under the concerns and burdens of everyday life.

It’s okay to describe when you knew you wanted to get married or how the other person makes you feel in the present. It’s okay to state what you want to do in the future for the other person. But none of these should be promises. Instead, what if we focused on what God will do? He’s the only one who can fulfill all of His promises and meet all of our needs.

What if a wedding vow sounded more like this:

I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you in good times and bad. I want to help you when you are down, and celebrate with you when you are up. I want to support you, grow with you, and live your dreams with you. The best way I know to accomplish this is by the strength and help that God gives me. Therefore, I promise to always keep God the center of our marriage. I promise to abide in Jesus so that I will be able to love you with the love and strength He provides. I promise to obey God’s word as it relates to marriage, and to be accountable to you for that. I promise to pray for you and for our marriage each day. Looking to Jesus to strengthen me, equip me, counsel me, and to meet all my needs, I will be free to serve you without expecting anything back. I will be free to love you as you are and as you will be as you grow and change. Together, with Jesus, I look forward to walking into the future with you.

Stay tuned for Part 2 – saying the quiet part out loud.

Scriptures:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:13-17

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

And my God will meet all of your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isiah 41:10

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence… 2 Peter 1:3

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound in every good work… 2 Corinthians 9:8

As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. 1 Timothy 6:17

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16