Tag: wedding vows

Wedding Vows Can Be Hazardous to Your Marriage Part 5 Biblical Marriage Vows

On By LindaIn My ThoughtsLeave a comment

A vow is a solemn, voluntary, one-party promise, usually to God, to perform a specific action.

On the other hand, a covenant is a formal, binding, and often unconditional agreement between two or more parties – marriage; God and His people – often involving long-term, mutual commitment.

Would we take our wedding vows more seriously if we were to sit together and draw up a covenant instead of reciting some vows?  How would that sound?

Maybe like this…

We enter into this marriage in order to walk together through life as one flesh, joined together until death. We look to Jesus, who holds all things together, to meet our needs and to help and council us as we seek His Kingdom first.

I, (groom), will love you, (bride), as Jesus loved the church. I will give myself up for you, nourishing and cherishing you as I do my own body.  I will treat you with gentleness and understanding, and honor you as a fellow heir.

I, (bride), I will love and respect you, (groom), as my spiritual head and submit myself to you as to the Lord. I will adorn myself with a gentle and quiet spirit.

We will love each other, not as defined by the world but as defined in 1 Corinthians 13. We will do nothing from selfish desires, but will, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bear with each other in love as we pursue the peace and unity of the Spirit. We will apologize when we fail, forgive as Christ forgives us, pray for each other, and use the gifts we have received from the Holy Spirit to build each other up.

This covenant or set of vows, which elaborates om and paints a clearer picture of the traditional “to have and to hold” vows, would help us think seriously about entering into marriage, and set clear expectations.. It won’t be easy to keep but being Biblical; it comes with the promise that God will help us. It is also easy to find. I made my vows more than forty years ago, and I can’t remember now anything I said that day. But if I had made a covenant such as the one above, I wouldn’t have to try to remember. It would be right there in the Bible to read as often as I needed to.

It’s too late for those of us who have already made unrealistic or vague vows we can’t, haven’t, or have trouble keeping. But what if we recommitted to each other with a new, God-powered covenant? How would that affect our marriages going into the future?

It might be worth a try.

Scriptures (there are a lot of them)

But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’  ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.  What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:6-9

If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2

When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Let not your mouth lead you into sin, and do not say before the messenger that it was a mistake. Why should God be angry at your voice and destroy the work of your hands? Ecclesiastes 5:4-6

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

And my God will meet all of your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isiah 41:10

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,  that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.  For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.1 Peter 3:1-5

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18-19

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. Colossians 3:23-24

Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. 1 Corinthians 12:7

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working James 5:16

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound in every good work… 2 Corinthians 9:8

Wedding Vows Can Be Hazardous to Your Marriage Part 2 Saying the Quiet Part Out Loud

On By LindaIn My ThoughtsLeave a comment

Have you ever stopped to really consider the promises being recited at a wedding? What if we could see into the future and then recite our vows with that in mind. What if we said the quiet part out loud? In the world, it might sound like this.

I take you…

to have and to hold, (except when you make me mad or when I am too tired or when you come in from cutting the grass all dirty and smelly or before you brush your teeth in the morning…)

 in good times and bad, (except when the bad times make you irritable, angry, or depressed or are happening because you did something stupid)

for richer and for poorer, (except when you spend all our money and max out the credit cards or because you lost your job and have many excuses why you can’t find another one…)

in sickness and in health. (except when it causes me to become your caretaker, like if you became paralyzed from an accident or developed dementia or an autoimmune disease…)

I promise to be faithful to you (as long as you are faithful to me and you keep up your appearances and you fulfill all my desires…)

and stand beside you in all things. (except when doing so will cause me to be too uncomfortable or when it cuts into my personal time)

I promise to keep laughing with you, (until your jokes get so old that all I can do is groan)

crying with you, (after the first few dozen times, you’re on your own)

and never stop finding new ways to make you smile. (except when you stop finding new ways to make me smile)

I will love, (until the emotion goes away)

honor, (as long as you are honorable and do the right things)

and cherish you (except when I take you for granted because I’m too busy thinking about myself)

all the days of our lives. (maybe most of the days, but the nights are mine)

In Part 3, we’ll take a look at some statistics.

Scriptures:

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17 

Do not devise evil in your hearts against one another, and love no false oath, for all these things I hate, declares the Lord.”  Zechariah 8:17

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. Colossians 2:8

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

Wedding Vows Can Be Hazardous to Your Marriage Part 1 Overview

On By LindaIn My ThoughtsLeave a comment

We’ve all heard them. Sweet, love filled promises from one person to another before saying “I do.”  Some are serious, others are humorous. Some are long, some are short. Some are read from papers in trembling fingers, others are recited from the heart. But they all have one thing in common: the person saying them truly believes what they are saying. And usually, so does the recipient.

The promises in wedding vows – to always be there, to support, to respect, love, and encourage each other, etc. – are not in themselves bad. It’s okay to say and pursue them, but when we put our hope and trust in them, it can create expectations that might not be sustainable. What happens when jobs are lost, spouses lie or cheat, life goals change and conflict with each other, and love grows cold? What happens to the marriage when these wonderful-sounding expectations aren’t met?

Another problem in many wedding vows is that they are self-focused. “I love you because you make me feel good.” I love you because you encourage me with I’m feeling down.” I love how your smile lights up my heart.” If a person goes into a marriage with the expectation that their spouse fills their needs, what happens when the spouse gets sick or depressed or busy or overwhelmed – and can no longer meet these needs?

Third, vows are usually easy to keep in the early years. Then children arrive. And jobs are lost. And illnesses rage. And interests change. And more children arrive. And temptations sneak in. The promises made in the beginning are forgotten in the stress of managing busy lives. What used to makes us smile about the other becomes buried under layers of disappointments, failures, and age-related physical and mental changes.  We trusted that our partner would make our lives better and be there when things were tough. But as the years go by, little by little, one small failure after another, resentment and accusations can slowly creep into our hearts – and often out of our mouths. “You promised to make me smile every day! Well, I’m not smiling now as you play golf leaving me to struggle with our bills.”

The high divorce rate in this country, even in Christian marriages, is evidence of broken promises and unfilled expectations.

So should we set up our marriages to fail from the beginning by making promises we can’t keep? There are many warnings in the Bible about keeping vows made to God, and I would think that vows made in the deliberate presence of God would carry a similar weight. So, should vows be eliminated from a wedding?

No, I don’t think so. But I do think they should be changed.

  • Promises of what you will do in the future? You don’t know what the future holds.
  • Reasons why you love the person you’re marrying? Those reasons may become moot as your spouse changes.
  • Ways your feel loved by your future spouse? Those reasons may become buried under the concerns and burdens of everyday life.

It’s okay to describe when you knew you wanted to get married or how the other person makes you feel in the present. It’s okay to state what you want to do in the future for the other person. But none of these should be promises. Instead, what if we focused on what God will do? He’s the only one who can fulfill all of His promises and meet all of our needs.

What if a wedding vow sounded more like this:

I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you in good times and bad. I want to help you when you are down, and celebrate with you when you are up. I want to support you, grow with you, and live your dreams with you. The best way I know to accomplish this is by the strength and help that God gives me. Therefore, I promise to always keep God the center of our marriage. I promise to abide in Jesus so that I will be able to love you with the love and strength He provides. I promise to obey God’s word as it relates to marriage, and to be accountable to you for that. I promise to pray for you and for our marriage each day. Looking to Jesus to strengthen me, equip me, counsel me, and to meet all my needs, I will be free to serve you without expecting anything back. I will be free to love you as you are and as you will be as you grow and change. Together, with Jesus, I look forward to walking into the future with you.

Stay tuned for Part 2 – saying the quiet part out loud.

Scriptures:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4:13-17

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

And my God will meet all of your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isiah 41:10

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence… 2 Peter 1:3

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound in every good work… 2 Corinthians 9:8

As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. 1 Timothy 6:17

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16