She clenched her fists as she plopped down at her desk. Forcing her body to calm down, but not able to calm her heart, she looked up at the computer screen. A week before she had set a slide show of inspirational photos on her desktop to rotate randomly. And now, as her computer turned on, the first photo caught her attention.
BE STILL AND KNOW I AM GOD
Be still? With this storm raging in me? Fat chance. Know that He is God? Sure thing. He’s out there just being God and everything is wonderful. But wait, God is in me, too. So if He’s God over everything out there, then is He also God over everything in me? Including all this frustration that I’m feeling?
As she considered that idea, the photo on the screen changed.
I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS
Really? Even when I feel as prickly as a porcupine and don’t want anyone near me? Even when I just want to hit something? Even when I don’t even want to be here with myself?
So if He is here as He says He is, what is He doing? Frowning at me with disapproval? Shaking His head with disappointment in my lack of self control? Waiting for me to get over it so He can come close to me again?
With her head down, she asked Him, “God, what are You doing while You’re here with me, when I’m like this?”
“Stroking your hair. Waiting with you until the frustration feeling passes. Loving you.”
Marveling at this revelation, she looked back up at the screen.
I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS
“Still here?” she asked Him.
“I’m not going anywhere. I am always with you. Whether you feel it or not. Whether you want it or not. Even when you resist because you don’t feel worthy. Even when you get angry. Even when you forget.”
“OK, I get it. You’re always with me. So how can that help me? When I get like this, how does knowing You’re here help me? I’m still frustrated.
Or is that the wrong question?”
Again the photo changed.
GOD IS GREATER THAN OUR HEARTS
She chuckled. Well, not quite a chuckle but something close. God has a sense of humor, that’s for sure. Communicating with her through these random photos? Maybe not so random after all. And she loved that He could always cut to the chase while making her smile.
“OK, so You’re greater than my heart. Greater than all the mixed emotions in there. I don’t have to worry when I can’t control my heart, my feelings, because You can. I can rest that You’ll take me through these feelings and I won’t get lost in them and have to live there forever. Yes, that was the wrong question. Focusing on me – how does that help ME, how am I feeling – doesn’t help. Focusing on You – Your power and presence – gives me peace.”
The photo changed to a sunrise in the mountains.
She thought about her recent trip to the mountains. The early morning peace as she watched the sunrise. The promise of a new day. And she knew He was nodding in confirmation.
She smiled, at peace both inside and outside, and grateful to the amazing God who is always with her and loves her enough to find a way to communicate with her no matter how prickly she feels.
TO YOU OH LORD I LIFT UP MY SOUL.